Well, I’d like to help you, ma’am, but I’m afraid there’s no law against mailing threatening letters… — Chief Wiggum, “Cape Feare”
(Kudos again to Joey Joe Joe Jr…Shabadoo, who suggested today’s post back in December. Remember, gang, sound off in the comments with any ideas you have for posts or mysteries you’d like me to untangle.)
It’s real! The true sport of kings, ferret legging has a long, proud tradition established by people who enjoy being bitten on the penis.
The contest, seemingly invented by the Celts, consists of riling up a ferret by placing its head in your mouth, then dumping him down your waistband and cinching the apparatus shut, no underwear. Let this video serve as a primer:
Record-keeping for ferret legging appears to be a bit unkempt, but as of May 2010 two Staffordshire residents —a man and a woman — claim to have endured the trial for five and a half hours, beating out previous record holder Reg Mellor. Read this profile of Mellor and be amazed.
A small red hut sits in an overgrown yard outside Reg Mellor’s door. “Come outta there, ye bah-stards,” Reg yelled as he flailed around the inside of the hut looking for some ferrets that had just arrived a few hours earlier. He emerged with two dirty white animals, which he held quite firmly by their necks. They both had fearsome unblinking eyes as hard and red as rubies.
A young man named Malcolm, with a punk haircut, came into the yard on a motorcycle. “You puttin’ ’em down again, Reg?” Malcolm asked.
Reg took one of the ferrets and stuck the beast’s head deep into his mouth.
“Oh yuk, Reg,” said Malcolm.
Oh, England. For those Yankees looking to represent the motherland, there’s the annual Meadow Highland Games & Celtic Festival in Doswell, Va. Bring yer band-aids.