…this writing has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown. — Marge doppelganger, “Burns’ Heir”
Remember Murphy Brown? Sure you do! The show, featuring CBS’s no-nonsense-tough-as-nails fictional anchorwoman, etched out a nook in pop culture history thanks in no small part to a much-followed storyline in which Ms. Brown entered the world of single motherhood.
As in “Selma’s Choice”, the Murphepisode ends in a touching scene in which the new mom/lizard owner sings to her charge that classic Aretha Franklin cut, “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman”. For Ms. Brown, it was a callback to an earlier episode that season:
…of course it was kind of hard to think of reasons for me to look in that exhaust pipe every time, but, you know, we had good writers. William Faulkner can write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think. — Moe, “Radioactive Man”
When William Cuthbert Faulkner arrived in tinseltown in May 1932, his resume included seven novels, including canon bombshells As I Lay Dying and The Sound And The Fury, dozens of short stories, and a few poetry collections. It was time to move on to better things.
In order to pay off his debts and keep his swanky Oxford, Miss., lifestyle going, Faulkner served as screenwriter and script doctor for all sorts of Hollywood features, most notably with Howard Hawks, with whom Faulkner collaborated on several flicks, including The Big Sleep, an adaptation of the iconic Raymond Chandler private dick romp.
I was as empty of life as a scarecrow’s pockets. — Philip Marlowe
By all accounts, Faulkner spent his time in Hollywood drinking and being eccentric, a popular combo for the legends among us. He also regularly insulted the people signing his paychecks, a trait embodied by the Simpsons writers decades later.
Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing a ladder. — William Faulkner
Neerrrrrrrrrrrrd! — Homer, “Homer Goes To College”
New Wave rockers Devo whipped out the energy domes in the early ’80s, and have been wearing them since. According to fans of the Deev, the pyramid-shaped toppers supposedly confer sexual powers upon their wearers:
It was designed according to ancient ziggaurat [sic] mound proportions used in votive worship. Like the mounds it collects energy and recirculates it. In this case the Dome collects the Orgone energy that escapes from the crown of the human head and pushes it back into the Medula Oblongata for increased mental energy.
These wunder-caps can be obtained for a mere 32 clams on Devo’s site, though it can be argued that increased mental energy never did no good for nobody. Personally, I’d rather spring for one of those jumpsuits:
What sounds to the naked ear like stereotypical Italian gibberish is actually a reference to Kirby Kookalamanza, the protagonist of jungle sexploitation caper Bowanga Bowanga, released in 1951.
As history has more or less forgotten this movie (though I’d be willing to bet it was still airing on late nights when the Simpsons writers were coming of age), I can’t really tell you much about it, though this guy can.
These types of low-budget schlockers don’t really come around anymore, but thanks to YouTube we can see what we’re missing. Note that there’s no real good reason to spend your time watching this:
Well, I’d like to help you, ma’am, but I’m afraid there’s no law against mailing threatening letters… — Chief Wiggum, “Cape Feare”
(Kudos again to Joey Joe Joe Jr…Shabadoo, who suggested today’s post back in December. Remember, gang, sound off in the comments with any ideas you have for posts or mysteries you’d like me to untangle.)
It’s real! The true sport of kings, ferret legging has a long, proud tradition established by people who enjoy being bitten on the penis.
The contest, seemingly invented by the Celts, consists of riling up a ferret by placing its head in your mouth, then dumping him down your waistband and cinching the apparatus shut, no underwear. Let this video serve as a primer:
Record-keeping for ferret legging appears to be a bit unkempt, but as of May 2010 two Staffordshire residents —a man and a woman — claim to have endured the trial for five and a half hours, beating out previous record holder Reg Mellor. Read this profile of Mellor and be amazed.
A small red hut sits in an overgrown yard outside Reg Mellor’s door. “Come outta there, ye bah-stards,” Reg yelled as he flailed around the inside of the hut looking for some ferrets that had just arrived a few hours earlier. He emerged with two dirty white animals, which he held quite firmly by their necks. They both had fearsome unblinking eyes as hard and red as rubies.
A young man named Malcolm, with a punk haircut, came into the yard on a motorcycle. “You puttin’ ‘em down again, Reg?” Malcolm asked.
Reg took one of the ferrets and stuck the beast’s head deep into his mouth.
“Oh yuk, Reg,” said Malcolm.
Oh, England. For those Yankees looking to represent the motherland, there’s the annual Meadow Highland Games & Celtic Festival in Doswell, Va. Bring yer band-aids.
All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect. — Pumpkin guy, “Homer’s Triple Bypass” Happy MLK Day! In honor of the good Doctor, we are off today. Tune back Wednesday for your usual programming. Until then, enjoy … Continue reading →
You’re damn right I’m going to be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd’s yard sale! — Peter Frampton, “Homerpalooza”
Pink Floyd in fact recruited several pigs through the band’s run from the Animals album up into the post-Waters era. There was the original, released above London’s Battersea Power Station for the cover shoot of the aforementioned album:
Then there was a newly “invigorated” pig constructed specially for the post-Waters era, as the remaining band members apparently didn’t possess the copyrights for the genuine porcine design:
And Roger Waters himself has kept things hip with various updates to the animal in his more recent grabs:
Returning to that first pig, the one on the wing, I recommend reading album cover designer Storm Thorgerson‘s highly entertaining recount [ctrl-f "animals" ... though the whole thing is a good read for fans of The Floyd] of the events that led to the pig slipping its anchor and coasting away:
Day 2. Eleven still cameramen, eight man film crew, helicopter, one or two of the group, manager but no marksman (?). Pig launched successfully on bright clear morning. Hauled slowly up side of building, everyone snapping away. Near the top, betwixt the towers, a fateful gust of wind. The pig turned suddenly, broke mooring cable and lurched rapidly towards the heavens. No one had told the marksman to return. The pig sailed away and was lost from sight in five minutes. Absolute horrors.
Oh, this sucks! Come on, snipers, where are you? — Bart, “Lisa The Greek”
The Super Bowl XXVI halftime show, as predicted by the Simpsons writers, wasn’t the dancing alien bit, but was in fact some kind of ice skating thing. I trust the irony of using ice skating — the same event that modern programmers use to attempt to pull non-football fans away from the big game — as the draw is not lost on you, dear reader:
Anyway, getting to the matter at hand, the closing ceremonies of the ’84 Olympic Games were in fact so impressive that they brought a bona fide alien life form to Los Angeles.
Details as to how organizers pulled off the flying saucer stunt remain surprisingly under wraps, leading some to suspect a conspiracy, but it appears that Disney Imagineer Bob Gurr was the brains behind the project. Via Mouse Planet:
WS:Another person I don’t think gets enough credit for his contributions to early Disneyland was Tommy Walker who was in charge of Entertainment. Did you ever work with him?
BG: Yes, I designed a 30-foot-flying saucer spacecraft that had a lot of lights and was carried by helicopter. Since I had designed a 50-foot-flying saucer for the 1984 Los Angeles Olympic Closing Ceremonies, Tommy Walker Productions wanted a smaller one built to rent out at various events.
Personally, I’m interested in the identity of the actor who played the alien, so step forward if you’re out there.
After an exhaustive search, Springfield has found its monorail conductor: Homer Simpson. — Kent Brockman, “Marge vs. The Monorail”
I didn’t bother counting in the above shot, but odds are Homer was unable to match the total achieved by entertainer and stuntman Jim Mouth, who as of 2003 has set the high-water mark with 159 cigarettes smoked at once.
Here he is in an earlier appearance smoking a paltry 154:
According to his site, Jim has also notched a number of other world records, including cramming into his mouth 41 cigars, 18 hot dogs, and 280 straws — not all at the same time. Outside of his mouth, he also managed to play the drums for 320 straight hours. Inside of his mouth? Too hard to read.
Sink full of dirty dishes, trash not taken out, living room a mess, stacks of old newspapers…from twenty years ago! — Child welfare agent, “Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily”
When long-haired rockers The Who arrived in Cincinnati in 1979, people came out in droves to see them. Approximately 18,000 fans pressed into just five entrances once the doors were opened.
Of course, history repeats itself. Three years later, about 300 people died in a crush at a Belarusian soccer match. And there have been dozens of similar incidents since.
Whew! Rough post. On a lighter note: Poco! Say what you will about these pansies, but one thing’s for sure: they do not have enough fans to put together any kind of stampede.
Note that the band was co-founded by Jim Messina of Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa fame. In addition to sucking, Poco also pioneered the practice of drummers wearing jeans:
